Finally.

I am happy. I can finally say that I am happy. And it seems as soon as I get happy, everyone else around me gets sad or something terrible happens. Maybe me being able to get happy made me get through everyone else's sadness. Does this make sense? Well, it does to me. I now have the strength to be there for you. Let me. I can handle it now.

Maybe something will come along and knock me back down. That is really what I am terrified of, but I am keeping that in the back of my mind. For now, I am happy. Happy to be alive. Happy to drive fast with the windows down blaring the new Modest Mouse.

And now, since I am back to listing it seems, a list of things that make me happy.
Spending too much on tanning.
Seeing my mom use frozen corn on her surgicated foot.
Making up the word surgicated.
Coming home and seeing that my grandmother bought me presents.
Hearing my mom say "it would send me into orbit." Then hearing her say, "I am just really in love with this water. I can't stop drinking it."
March Madness.
Being a terrible speller.
Cooking turkey burgers.
My dad with highlighters for different accounts.
My parents arguing over accounts.
Team account.
My bank account on pay day.
Pay day.
Going to Target after pay day.
Heart pajama pants.
My long hair.
Reading books.
Reading autobiographies.
Reading chick lit.
Literature class.
Park days.
Warm park days.
Laying in the grass on park days.
Sleeping.
Sleeping in.
Sleeping in on rainy days.
Mom paying for prescriptions.
My mom on prescriptions.
Thinking about working out.
Catching up with friends.
Doing nothing with friends.
Best friends.
Smelling good.
Taking showers.
Taking showers in Dallas hotel rooms.
Dallas.
Concerts in Dallas.
MIGAS!
The drive to Dallas.
Road trips with Patrick.
Patrick.
Sleeping with Patrick.
Anything with Patrick -- except fighting.
Home videos.
Christmas pictures.
Pictures.
MacBook audio conferences.

I think that is enough for now.

First.

I will never be good at math.
I will never have silky smooth legs.
I will never be good at telling jokes.
I will never think drugs are cool.
I will never be a good speller.
I will never like to do things alone.
I will never learn how to curl my hair correctly.
I will never have good handwriting.
I will never understand why he really broke up with me.
I will never learn to swim.

I will always like to watch TV.
I will always love Dave Matthews.
I will always be a homebody.
I will always stand up for my brothers.
I will always like to dip french fries into a Frosty.
I will always choose Paul over John, even though I think Ringo and George are way better.
I will always have a little bit of crazy in me.
I will always be afraid of diving boards.
I will always think rainy Fridays are some of the best times of my life.
I will always do the right thing.

I will never have the kind of fun I did that summer again.

Turning it all around.

I'm starting to get out of this funk, and it's feeling pretty good.

Clay masks and Dallas hotel rooms may have a lot to do with this change.