He just gets it.

This is 100% completely me right now. It's me.
Thanks for understanding and putting it into words, John Mayer.

"Heart of Life"

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your firends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

So.

He ended it.
He did what was best for him. Now, it's time for me to do what's best for me.
I am sad, confused, angry, hurt, but most importantly, I am strong. I have found this amazing inner strength. I am ok. I will be great soon, very soon.
I got this, boo. Don't you worry about me.

Modestlicious

Good music can cure anything, but so can some trashy pop music.
Modest Mouse and Fergie they both make me happy, and that's ok with me.

PPP

I have this pencil. This purple perfect pencil. Everything about it is perfect. The way is writes. The weight. The way it erases. Everything. I have had it since my first day. There are only like 5 of them left in the office, and wherever we get them from discontinued making them. I have two, but the other is orange, and we don't have the history.

So, my boss comes in my office the other day to discuss something. She needs a pencil. She uses my purple perfect pencil. We continue talking. She almost hands it to me then we get on a different tangent. She walks out of my office. With. My. Pencil.

Goodbye perfect purple pencil. I will never see you again. I mean, really, what am I supposed to do? Excuse me, can I have my pencil back? I don't think so. I walk by her office and see it sitting on her desk. I wish I could steal it away. I can't. That would be weird. B'bye pencil.

About an hour later ....

I walk past her office.
"Jordan, I think I took your pencil."
"Thanks."

And I do a little dance down the hallway holding my perfect purple pencil tightly.

In need of some positive engergy

Part 2 of things that make me happy.

Blogs.
Boston Legal.
Watching Boston Legal with my parents.
AIM.
Folded clothes.
Getting taxes done.
Being honest.
Cheryl Burke.
Kicking ass on presentations.
Kicking ass in general.
My ass in jeans.
Kool Aid.
Cheez Its.
Getting in my pjs before 9 p.m.
Going to Boston.
Bear hugs.
Clean sheets.
Red fingernails.
Meat rice.
Slow gas pumps.
Pregnant people.
Taxes being done.
Kate Nipper.

That's all I can come up with at the moment. I know there is more, but that is all of the positive energy I can muster up. I'm trying. I really am trying.

The forehead returns.

gotta love it.

A moment can really turn things around. One minute you are moping around the house because your boyfriend is in New Orleans instead of Shreveport. The next moment you are laughing with your mom and your little brother about how he has to pick up his older siblings when they have had too much to drink. What a good brother. It's going to be a good day. I have apple red finger nails. I have some big, funky hair. And, it's going to be a damn good day.

Me with said finger nails, big hair, and the biggest forehead in the world.

that thing.

How you gon' win when you ain't right within?
How you gon' win when you ain't right within?
How you gon' win when you ain't right within?

Sing it, Lauren. Sing it, girl.

cryptic stream of consciousness

I think it's ok to be jealous -- sometimes. It's ok. It means you really want that someone or something. You don't want to lose it. You couldn't stand to loose it. You like things the way they are, and it would break you if it changed. Change. Something I am not good at or counting. I don't like it. I need to learn how to adapt. So what, I like things how they are. I also like things to get better. For things to get even better, things need to change, right? I hate change. I have problems adapting. Please don't let things change too much. What if I can't take it? What if it drives us apart? What if it makes things incredibly better? What if I like it? What if I don't?

I love you, so, so much.

Yep, jealously and change can kiss my ass. I'm going to learn how to get over both of them. Just watch me.

Finally.

I am happy. I can finally say that I am happy. And it seems as soon as I get happy, everyone else around me gets sad or something terrible happens. Maybe me being able to get happy made me get through everyone else's sadness. Does this make sense? Well, it does to me. I now have the strength to be there for you. Let me. I can handle it now.

Maybe something will come along and knock me back down. That is really what I am terrified of, but I am keeping that in the back of my mind. For now, I am happy. Happy to be alive. Happy to drive fast with the windows down blaring the new Modest Mouse.

And now, since I am back to listing it seems, a list of things that make me happy.
Spending too much on tanning.
Seeing my mom use frozen corn on her surgicated foot.
Making up the word surgicated.
Coming home and seeing that my grandmother bought me presents.
Hearing my mom say "it would send me into orbit." Then hearing her say, "I am just really in love with this water. I can't stop drinking it."
March Madness.
Being a terrible speller.
Cooking turkey burgers.
My dad with highlighters for different accounts.
My parents arguing over accounts.
Team account.
My bank account on pay day.
Pay day.
Going to Target after pay day.
Heart pajama pants.
My long hair.
Reading books.
Reading autobiographies.
Reading chick lit.
Literature class.
Park days.
Warm park days.
Laying in the grass on park days.
Sleeping.
Sleeping in.
Sleeping in on rainy days.
Mom paying for prescriptions.
My mom on prescriptions.
Thinking about working out.
Catching up with friends.
Doing nothing with friends.
Best friends.
Smelling good.
Taking showers.
Taking showers in Dallas hotel rooms.
Dallas.
Concerts in Dallas.
MIGAS!
The drive to Dallas.
Road trips with Patrick.
Patrick.
Sleeping with Patrick.
Anything with Patrick -- except fighting.
Home videos.
Christmas pictures.
Pictures.
MacBook audio conferences.

I think that is enough for now.

First.

I will never be good at math.
I will never have silky smooth legs.
I will never be good at telling jokes.
I will never think drugs are cool.
I will never be a good speller.
I will never like to do things alone.
I will never learn how to curl my hair correctly.
I will never have good handwriting.
I will never understand why he really broke up with me.
I will never learn to swim.

I will always like to watch TV.
I will always love Dave Matthews.
I will always be a homebody.
I will always stand up for my brothers.
I will always like to dip french fries into a Frosty.
I will always choose Paul over John, even though I think Ringo and George are way better.
I will always have a little bit of crazy in me.
I will always be afraid of diving boards.
I will always think rainy Fridays are some of the best times of my life.
I will always do the right thing.

I will never have the kind of fun I did that summer again.

Turning it all around.

I'm starting to get out of this funk, and it's feeling pretty good.

Clay masks and Dallas hotel rooms may have a lot to do with this change.

too hot

As I was getting into the groove of things this morning I almost set the building ablaze.

Here's what happened.

I lit a candle, and placed it in an inconvenient place.

As I was writing letters and numbers from a stack of papers that was in hand, I looked up and saw that the pages that were flipped over were on fire. I was holding onto fire. In my office.

As smoke rose, I attempted to blow out the flames I screamed, "Oh shit."

Flames not going out.

Throw stack of burning papers on the plastic thing underneath my desk. Still burning. Still smoke.

This place is going to burn down because I am an idiot.

I am an idiot.

The fire alarm is going to go off because of me.

What puts out fire?

Water.

Water! I have bottled water.

Pour bottled water on-top of flames.

Fire extinguished.

I am a firefighter.

emotion

There is a big ball of it stirring up inside of me. Not sure what to do with it. Be upset? Be mad? Be happy? Be sad? Be disappointed? Be nothing? I need to do something with it, but I don't know how or what or who to direct it at.

I am sure it's just part of growing up. People let you down, you let yourself down, and expectations are not met. Yeah, this part of growing up is no good. I know it will get better. I know that I will once again be confident in myself. I will not need constant reassurance of who I am.

I need to get out of this and fast.

Here's to pointing it at the sun and delicious Icees.

<33333

My date.


His date.


His gifts to me (dinner not pictured).


My gifts to him.



He rocks my world.

Californiaaaaaa here we coooooooooooome.

I am very upset about the end of The OC. Only two more episodes left, and one of my favorite Thursday night shows will be gone forever. First Dawson's Creek, then Friends, soon Scrubs, and now The OC. I suppose I could buy the seasons on DVD, but I just don't feel like The OC was given a chance after the departure of Mischa Barton. Actually, I liked the last season better than the rest because she wasn't on it. I know I sound like some kind of lame-o who is obsessed. I am not obsessed. But I do enjoy the show. Ok, so maybe I am slightly obsessed. And maybe the show did get kinda outta control last season, or was it the one before last? I am not sure. I stopped watching for a while, but never stopped loving it. I would sing the theme song to the top of my lungs and make everyone's ears bleed who was in a mile radius.

I am not sure how the series will end, I just hope Summer and Seth end up together. And in my mind Sandy and Kirsten will be the greatest married couple to ever walk the planet.

Goodbye The OC. I will miss you, but sadly FOX will not.

Because people get shot in the face every day in Oregon.

I am sure I will hear about this from my parents.

I can just hear it.

Dad: Jordan, I read today that a man got shot in the face today in Oregon.

Me: Yeah, Dad I heard that too. The guy who shot him was an idiot druggie.

Dad: See! If you move up there not only will you get shot in the face, but you will turn into a druggie too! Did you know they smoke pot in Oregon?

she is going to kill me.

Em, I hope we have many more nights like this.
I love you.

I feel good, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

I am so happy I could burst right now.

Freaking explode with happiness and sunshine all over the place.

chicken salad sandwich, chips, and tea

You know, I just give up on a "good" post tonight. Sorry, Maggie Mason, I am not doing you proud. I just don't have anything to say tonight. I thought I did. Something about how optimistic Thursdays are. But the bottom line is this, I have a new camera, and I just want to cuddle up with it and tell it just how great it is. Also, sometimes you realize that you just aren't as great at something as you thought you were ... i.e. this blog.

Anyway, tonight I ordered a New Castle while at dinner with my parents and it was the perfect way to end this hectic day.

Get outta my face, January

January is over.

See you later sucker.

I hated January. I am not the type of person who thinks of a new month is a fresh start. The only fresh starts I thought of were school years, and now, those have passed. In keeping with my new year's resolution on being positive, there were good things that happened in January ... I got to see the Nipsys quite a bit, I did not die, and I started a Thursday tradition. But for the most part, January completely blew.

Last night I was reading an interview with Mandy Moore in Jane magazine. For the most part the article was about Mandy's transition period in her life with the big break up with Zach and paying for her new album. I didn't want to feel sorry for her because she has only dated the cutest guys on this earth. AND even though she has a terrible under-bite she still manages to steal my heart in every movie she has been in -- yes even How to Deal. Oh AND remember that way cute short haircut she got that you knew you could never pull off but you really wanted to just let lose and try it just this once? Well, I tried it, and it was dreadful. As I was reading her words on the page, it could have been words out of my diary ... if I even had a diary. It was like the words jumped off the page, grabbed hold of my heart and held on tight. Yes, the girl who sang that terrible candy song with the long flailing arms and drove the lime green bug even though she was only what 14? feels the same way as I do, and it's going to be ok.

I am going to be ok.

Yeah, January was shit, and February is going to be much brighter.